I am NOT a psychic. I am just a (mammalian) Mama with instincts.

Where to begin? Ok Let me just explain first why I am posting this. I recently did an interview with the author of the book "In Search of the Perfect Birth" about my stillbirth and what I felt regarding my care received. You can go see the post here: Getting Qualified Care: Interview With a Stillbirth Mother and follow her because she has a lot of good information and a different perspective on many birth topics. Anyway, I did this interview and she posted it on her Facebook page. I also wrote a blog 2 days ago discussing some of my emotions that I am working through about my birth experiences.

Today on her page someone posted the following: "May I ask a question? If Michelle "knew" that baby was going to die, why didn't she try to prevent it? Just wondering."  I also had the unfortunate pleasure of dealing with another person regarding my recent blog post in regards to the same thing. So I want to point out a few things.......

1- I AM NOT PSYCHIC. While I was pregnant with him I was not 100% for certain that he would die. While pregnant I knew that things were different and I had a strong feeling that he wasn't staying with me. I had a feeling but I HOPED it was wrong. 

2- My decision to homebirth as well as my decisions made during pregnancy WERE influenced by this feeling. Let me explain further because apparently people are just not getting it. The first time I ever felt that he would not be with me long was while I was STILL UNDER THE CARE OF AN OB. I was threatened with permanent sterilization and my wishes to VBA2C were not going to be considered. I left my appointment literally thinking that I would be so devastated if I lost this baby and could never have another one.

This led to me doing a lot of thinking and a lot of praying. One of the things that was important for me was to be able to enjoy every single moment of my pregnancy stress free. I couldn't see myself going to this OB office and fighting them every single visit about my refusal for testing, my refusal for sterilization, and my refusal for a repeat c-section. It was going to be too much. I needed peace. This was also largely why I did not get bent out of shape when I went 2 weeks overdue. I loved every moment I got with him.

3- The other thing that is really pissing me off is the assumption that my midwife was terrible simply because my baby died. My midwife went above and beyond what I expected of her in regards to my care. She gave me exactly what I needed and wanted, which was peace, love, comfort, warmth, and security. I never ever felt that she endangered me or my baby. EVER. I cannot imagine having that birth/loss experience without her.  For some stranger on the internet to diagnose my baby's cause of death is ridiculous. Guess what! YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!! You have no idea what you are talking about. I WAS THERE. I am pretty sure that makes me more qualified to speak on my birth than anyone else.

4- I knew that me saying his birth was the only one I had no regrets over was going to anger people. So I need to explain again the reason why I have no regrets. It was the ONLY birth that I trusted my instincts. It was the ONLY birth that I did not let anyone or anything around me dictate how it would go. All of my other births I ignored my gut feelings and was hurt in one way or another so YES I have regrets about not listening to my instincts there. If I had listened to and trusted myself every time I would have avoided an unnecessary c-section, an unnecessary induction which led to a failed VBAC and a horrible hospital stay for my daughter, undue stress from CPS, another uncomfortable hospital birth which involved me being violated physically by hospital staff. 

Yeah hindsight is 20/20. There is not a single thing about my loss that I regret. I spent every second of my pregnancy grateful I still had time. I spent every moment of my labor grateful for that time. I remember his birth as beautiful and empowering not traumatic. I am not sure why this angers people so much. 

Divorce and My First Time as a "Birth Support"

Not too long after the birth of my fourth baby my marriage went from bad to worse. It was riddled with domestic violence, bad vibes, and a total lack of respect. I really wanted to leave him but was unsure I had the ability to since I had 3 kids and no job. Eventually Allah made it easy for me and he ended up arrested again and would be doing a lot of time so it was the perfect chance for me to get away.

I ended up in a shelter for victims of domestic violence for three months while looking for work and a house. While I was there I met a girl that was about 7-8 months pregnant with her first. I was very upfront about my birth experiences with her and since we spent a lot of time together and she was about to have a baby that seemed to always be the topic. Eventually it got to the point where she wanted me at her birth. She wanted me to be there to support her.

She ended up needing to be induced due to high blood pressure so they gave her cervadil overnight and I came to the hospital the next day. I have to say that even though I totally had bad experiences I was beyond shocked at what I saw transpire for this woman. I was not there to be pushy I was there to support her and what she wanted.

They came in and said they wanted to give her cytotec (only they called it misoprostol). Now I was aware of the use of cytotec and what the risks were in comparison to other induction methods from my own research (http://midwiferytoday.com/articles/cytotec.asp , FDA warning label on use of cytotec in pregnant women , http://www.cytoteccase.com/ , FDA Warning) It has not been FDA approved for use as an induction drug, it has caused fatal uterine ruptures in first time moms, it warns of the possibility of birth defects on the label if taken by pregnant women, etc. She looked at me because she knew I had done a lot of research. I didn't want to be her voice though and I really wanted to see what the doctors said to her when she asked what the risks were. So I told her that she needs to ask them what the risk factors were. When she asked them the response was "It's no riskier than any other induction method." and that was pretty much it. She gave no specific risk factors at all. This is NOT informed consent.

****I am going to take a time out to state that cytotec is NOT like any other induction drug which is what makes it more dangerous. Number one cervadil and pitocin can be removed or turned off if there is over-stimulation of the uterus or if the mother or baby have a negative reaction. Cytotec cannot be taken out. It is a pill that dissolves and is very rapidly absorbed into the body. Once it is in your system that is it. There is no stopping the effects. There have also been no FDA guidelines for OBs to follow regarding induction so there is no way of knowing how much may be too much for one woman's uterus. There are documented cases of death and catastrophic ruptures with the use of Cytotec. When my friend asked her doctor the risks this should have been discussed completely. Instead the doctor avoided the question completely and made it seem like it was no big deal at all. ****

Because the doctor didn't really give her any reason to say no she agreed to take the cytotec. I had to leave for the night but her baby's father was going to keep me informed about what was going on. Overnight she progressed pretty quickly and got to about 8 cm. I went back to the hospital the next day and when I got there they were saying they wanted to now give her pitocin. They told her they were starting her on a low dose and that they would up the dose every so often. My friend was having a lot of pressure and the contractions were pretty intense for her even with an epidural. They then lied to my friend about how high the dosage was that she was getting. They told her it was only half of what she was actually receiving. I was right next to the IV monitor and could see the number of units she was getting and it was more than half of what she was told. WTH???? Why would they lie to her about that?

The next part of her experience infuriates me beyond belief. They checked her cervix and she was 9 cm with a lip. They came in and said "Well I think we have done all we can. I think we should probably go ahead and do a c-section now. I just don't think the baby is coming out." By this time my friend in her vulnerable trusting state said ok.

I was beyond pissed off for her. Number one I have had a lip of cervix left with all 3 of my VBA2Cs ( at the time had only had 2 VBA2Cs) I pushed through the lip both times and had vaginal births. These assholes didn't even give her the CHANCE to push before giving up on her and thus making her give up on herself.  The way maternity care is handled in America right now is truly a travesty and is such a huge disservice to mothers and their babies.

After watching that I knew for sure I did not want to deal with OBs or the hospital when it came to birthing any future children. And honestly after watching that I wasn't sure I would ever be able to handle being a "birth support" for a hospital birth ever again. This did become somewhat of a driving force for me to be more vocal about my own experiences. Surely I wasn't alone in feeling bullied into a c-section, feeling betrayed by someone I should have been able to trust, feeling lied to, and just downright mistreated. I couldn't be the only one.

Mind Really Does Matter

I often spoke on message boards about how much your mental state can affect your birth. I don't think I really fully comprehended how much until after my 4th baby was born. My first homebirth I was not at all afraid of anything really. I had even come to accept the possibility of losing my baby at some point during the pregnancy so I wasn't afraid of death either. I think that alone made my labor really smooth and lengthwise pretty average for a first time laborer. (his labor was about 36 hours long)

Once you go through a traumatic loss like that it changes you in so many ways. I was very conflicted in my feelings of not having fear vs. being scared to death of losing another, trusting birth vs. trusting fear. I wanted to have a peaceful birth I really did. I wanted to stay at home. I wanted many things that didn't happen in the end. What I failed to do was prepare myself mentally for a pregnancy after a loss.

I walked around 5 cm dilated with irregular contractions for weeks. It didn't hit me how scared I was to do this again until the night my midwives were there with castor oil to help get my contractions more established. I had a 4 day on and off again labor because of my own mental hang-ups. My body wanted to labor but my mind didn't. I was able to control my body with my mind. If I got caught up in thoughts of my loss my contractions dwindled. If I got distracted by anything my contractions spaced out. I was 9.5 cm dilated ready to push and was able to completely halt my labor and fall asleep because I was so scared of that aspect of the birth. That is when it all went wrong last time. Feeling my baby move, hearing his heartbeat, none of it was comforting enough for me in that vulnerable state to let go and let my body do what it was trying to do. This is what ultimately led to my hospital transfer because I knew at that point I needed to be mentally checked out of my birth. I had to separate my body from my mind and at the time the only thing I could see capable of doing that was an epidural.

Mind does matter. Your mental state during pregnancy affects  your labor and it affects your birth. It is really important to address fears head on and not try to sweep them under the rug because labor will be the place they most assuredly will rear their heads.  This is part of my reason for doing this blog because I need to work through some of these things I have experienced and prepare myself mentally for my upcoming birth. I don't want fear to be what drives my decisions, rather I want knowledge and faith to be the driving force.