It's Ramadan (Loss mentioned)

I really love this time of year. Ramadan is the holy month of fasting for Muslims. It is the month in which the gates of hell are closed and the gates of heaven are open, the month of standing in prayer, the month of purification. Abdul Qadir was born/died during the month of Ramadan in the Gregorian year 2005. I want to explain that because the Islamic calender follows the lunar cycle Ramadan begins roughly 10 days earlier every year. Just wanted to put that out there since it is July and Ramadan but it was October and Ramadan when he died. And I can't begin to say how special it is to have my son born and die during the blessed month of Ramadan 8 years ago.

As I sit here reflecting and reading the Qur'an I came across some verses that I felt the need to share. You see I have always, for as long as my baby has been gone, been the target of cruel comments and hatred over the fact that I lost my baby but blamed no one and had no regrets about his birth. I have seen other loss mothers be ripped to shreds within hours or weeks of losing their precious babies because of the method of birth they chose.

Anyway I ran across this and it brought a lot more peace about the way I feel:

"...Say: 'Even if you had remained in your homes, those for whom death was decreed would certainly have gone forth to the place of their death,' but that Allah might test what is in your breasts; and to purify that which is in your hearts, and Allah is All-Knower of what is in your breasts." - Surah Al-Imran 154

And also this:

"O you who believe! Be not like those who disbelieve (hypocrites) and who say to their brethren when they travel through the Earth or go out to fight: 'If they had stayed with us, they would not have died or been killed,' so that Allah may make it a cause of regret in their hearts. It is Allah that gives life and causes death. And Allah is All-Seer of what you do." - Surah Al-Imran 156

Now I want to mention here that the verses were referring to some of the battles that were fought during the time of the Prophet Muhammad. (peace be upon him) However, the principle here is the same. It reminds me so much of all the people who question my decisions and try to assume that things would have been different if I had done things another way, etc. The principle is the same in that people attempt to make "if" statements with the intention of inciting regret. But Allah is the one who gives life and causes death. No one and nothing else.

One of the pillars of faith in Islam is belief in the divine pre-ordainment, which is mentioned in the first verse I quoted where it states if death is decreed for someone it does not matter where they are, death will reach them. So stop questioning me when I say I know that he would not have lived regardless of how I birthed him. Death was decreed for him while he was in my womb long before labor began. Stop acting like I caused his death because the only One who caused his death was Allah.

I continue to heal and grow. This grief process is not one that ever ends. It is lifelong, but today I feel strong.

I am NOT a psychic. I am just a (mammalian) Mama with instincts.

Where to begin? Ok Let me just explain first why I am posting this. I recently did an interview with the author of the book "In Search of the Perfect Birth" about my stillbirth and what I felt regarding my care received. You can go see the post here: Getting Qualified Care: Interview With a Stillbirth Mother and follow her because she has a lot of good information and a different perspective on many birth topics. Anyway, I did this interview and she posted it on her Facebook page. I also wrote a blog 2 days ago discussing some of my emotions that I am working through about my birth experiences.

Today on her page someone posted the following: "May I ask a question? If Michelle "knew" that baby was going to die, why didn't she try to prevent it? Just wondering."  I also had the unfortunate pleasure of dealing with another person regarding my recent blog post in regards to the same thing. So I want to point out a few things.......

1- I AM NOT PSYCHIC. While I was pregnant with him I was not 100% for certain that he would die. While pregnant I knew that things were different and I had a strong feeling that he wasn't staying with me. I had a feeling but I HOPED it was wrong. 

2- My decision to homebirth as well as my decisions made during pregnancy WERE influenced by this feeling. Let me explain further because apparently people are just not getting it. The first time I ever felt that he would not be with me long was while I was STILL UNDER THE CARE OF AN OB. I was threatened with permanent sterilization and my wishes to VBA2C were not going to be considered. I left my appointment literally thinking that I would be so devastated if I lost this baby and could never have another one.

This led to me doing a lot of thinking and a lot of praying. One of the things that was important for me was to be able to enjoy every single moment of my pregnancy stress free. I couldn't see myself going to this OB office and fighting them every single visit about my refusal for testing, my refusal for sterilization, and my refusal for a repeat c-section. It was going to be too much. I needed peace. This was also largely why I did not get bent out of shape when I went 2 weeks overdue. I loved every moment I got with him.

3- The other thing that is really pissing me off is the assumption that my midwife was terrible simply because my baby died. My midwife went above and beyond what I expected of her in regards to my care. She gave me exactly what I needed and wanted, which was peace, love, comfort, warmth, and security. I never ever felt that she endangered me or my baby. EVER. I cannot imagine having that birth/loss experience without her.  For some stranger on the internet to diagnose my baby's cause of death is ridiculous. Guess what! YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!! You have no idea what you are talking about. I WAS THERE. I am pretty sure that makes me more qualified to speak on my birth than anyone else.

4- I knew that me saying his birth was the only one I had no regrets over was going to anger people. So I need to explain again the reason why I have no regrets. It was the ONLY birth that I trusted my instincts. It was the ONLY birth that I did not let anyone or anything around me dictate how it would go. All of my other births I ignored my gut feelings and was hurt in one way or another so YES I have regrets about not listening to my instincts there. If I had listened to and trusted myself every time I would have avoided an unnecessary c-section, an unnecessary induction which led to a failed VBAC and a horrible hospital stay for my daughter, undue stress from CPS, another uncomfortable hospital birth which involved me being violated physically by hospital staff. 

Yeah hindsight is 20/20. There is not a single thing about my loss that I regret. I spent every second of my pregnancy grateful I still had time. I spent every moment of my labor grateful for that time. I remember his birth as beautiful and empowering not traumatic. I am not sure why this angers people so much.