Mind Really Does Matter

I often spoke on message boards about how much your mental state can affect your birth. I don't think I really fully comprehended how much until after my 4th baby was born. My first homebirth I was not at all afraid of anything really. I had even come to accept the possibility of losing my baby at some point during the pregnancy so I wasn't afraid of death either. I think that alone made my labor really smooth and lengthwise pretty average for a first time laborer. (his labor was about 36 hours long)

Once you go through a traumatic loss like that it changes you in so many ways. I was very conflicted in my feelings of not having fear vs. being scared to death of losing another, trusting birth vs. trusting fear. I wanted to have a peaceful birth I really did. I wanted to stay at home. I wanted many things that didn't happen in the end. What I failed to do was prepare myself mentally for a pregnancy after a loss.

I walked around 5 cm dilated with irregular contractions for weeks. It didn't hit me how scared I was to do this again until the night my midwives were there with castor oil to help get my contractions more established. I had a 4 day on and off again labor because of my own mental hang-ups. My body wanted to labor but my mind didn't. I was able to control my body with my mind. If I got caught up in thoughts of my loss my contractions dwindled. If I got distracted by anything my contractions spaced out. I was 9.5 cm dilated ready to push and was able to completely halt my labor and fall asleep because I was so scared of that aspect of the birth. That is when it all went wrong last time. Feeling my baby move, hearing his heartbeat, none of it was comforting enough for me in that vulnerable state to let go and let my body do what it was trying to do. This is what ultimately led to my hospital transfer because I knew at that point I needed to be mentally checked out of my birth. I had to separate my body from my mind and at the time the only thing I could see capable of doing that was an epidural.

Mind does matter. Your mental state during pregnancy affects  your labor and it affects your birth. It is really important to address fears head on and not try to sweep them under the rug because labor will be the place they most assuredly will rear their heads.  This is part of my reason for doing this blog because I need to work through some of these things I have experienced and prepare myself mentally for my upcoming birth. I don't want fear to be what drives my decisions, rather I want knowledge and faith to be the driving force.

"What?!?!? You want to have another homebirth????" - Pregnancy after Loss

Even given my loss there was never a single doubt in my mind that I would plan another homebirth for any future children. I am sure that to some this may seem crazy but you have to understand the hospital was not a "safe" place for me to birth. I was bullied into an unnecessary c-section the first time, felt tricked into an induction ( which resulted in another section) the second time, and was treated with total hatred when my baby died. This was not a safe haven for me. This was a place where all things bad happened. I couldn't trust them, not with me or my baby's life.

I had a big fear though that no midwife would ever want to come near me because of what happened. I was so scared of not having the option to homebirth it really plagued me. My (ex) husband was not supportive all the way around. Our marriage was not good at all. It was plagued with domestic violence. I found out in September of 2006 that I was pregnant again. I wasn't sure how I felt because I had just lost my baby 11 months before. I also wasn't happy in the marriage and was really unsure if a baby was a good idea.

My midwife from my last birth pointed me in the direction of someone she had grown close to and knew would be a good fit for me. She also had full intentions of being there to support me throughout the pregnancy. I needed her there. I don't know if anyone but her and I understand the kind of relationship we have.

I called the new midwife and I was put to ease about my fears. The main thing we were going to do was keep a close watch on my diet and blood sugar and we both felt if I could keep that under control the birth would be fine. So I invested in a blood sugar monitor and kept my blood sugar controlled with diet.

The entire pregnancy I was a complete and total mess. When you lose a baby at birth it is not the same as a miscarriage. There is no time-frame in the pregnancy where one can feel a little bit of relief. I wasn't going to be able to breath until I held this baby in my arms alive. I really tried not to worry since I didn't have that same feeling of impending doom that I did with Abdul-Qadir. It was harder than I imagined though. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to have faith. I wanted to trust. And I didn't want to be afraid.

I will write my birth story of him in a separate blog, but I want to mention that I learned some more valuable lessons about birth and how connected our minds are to it's progress ( or lack thereof). Stay tuned for my next VBA2C birth story.