I will not apologize!

I am not going to apologize for the way I feel about my own homebirth loss. It was my birth, my body, and my baby. I am a little annoyed at the way certain anti-homebirthers behave towards me in regards to how I have processed my loss. The consensus seems to be that you can only get sympathy if you bash the care provider that attended you, or you say how angry you are that your baby is gone. If you are on the opposite end of the spectrum and accept what happened forgive and move on with your life you are a freak.

I have been criticized, bashed, and blamed for my son's death for years. Let me explain a few things. Number one my instincts were not something I "conveniently" made up as a coping mechanism. I was so sure I wouldn't have a baby in the end that I didn't even buy any baby items until one week before he was born. And even then all I got was one pack of sleepers and one pack of diapers. I was always concerned about him. Always so terrified that one day my midwife would be unable to find his heartbeat. I never thought it would happen in labor. And when labor started I was hopeful the instinct I had the entire time was all in my head and just me being overly worried. Only the reality, that it was in fact my instincts and not unfounded worry, hit me when there were no heart-tones.Did I feel this way about any of my other children including my other planned homebirth babies? No I didn't and all of them are alive, healthy, and well cared for.

I also want to mention here once again that my religion and faith plays a huge role in the way I have embraced my loss. Everything in life that occurs is by the permission of Allah, The Most High. Accepting all that He gives me, the good and the bad, is a part of my faith and I will not apologize for being faithful!

The Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “When a person's child dies, Allah the Most High asks His angels, ‘Have you taken out the life of the child of My slave?’* They reply in the affirmative. He then asks, ‘Have you taken the fruit of his heart?’ They reply in the affirmative. Thereupon he asks, ‘What has My slave said?’ They say: ‘He has praised You and said: Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un (We belong to Allah and to Him we shall be returned).’ Allah says: ‘Build a house for My slave in Jannah (Paradise) and name it Bait-ul-Hamd (the House of Praise).’”

[Tirmidhi]

Secondly, I want to address my refusal for prenatal testing. The only things really that I did not have were an ultrasound and the glucose tolerance test. I was still checked for blood pressure, my fundal height was checked, my urine was checked for protein and sugar. I did not want to get an ultrasound because at that time and in that pregnancy I didn't feel there was a need for it. As for the glucose tolerance test, I did a lot of research on that test and felt like it was unreliable,  unnecessary, and not healthy for my body as a whole. I also had no history of gestational diabetes and no history of large babies. I took the GTT with both my older two and passed. Both of them were under 8 lbs. There was no indication that my blood sugar could have been an issue. I would also like to state that one of the reasons the GTT is unreliable is because the results are not reproducible. If you do the test at 25 weeks and then again at 30 weeks the results will not be the same. It is entirely possible for a woman to test negative when they initially do the testing and acquire an intolerance late in pregnancy which is what I believe to be the case with me. My baby was not large the entire pregnancy until the last week. In fact he measured 2 weeks behind the entire time until my last prenatal which was only days before labor began. Do I regret not taking it? Absolutely not. I made an educated choice to forego it and I had no previous risk factors for it.


(for the record: I have had 2 more babies since then and am currently pregnant again. I have and will decline the glucose tolerance test still. The only thing different is that I invested in a blood glucose monitor and monitored my sugar daily and adjusted my diet accordingly. If I have had gestational diabetes again I have kept it well controlled with diet.)

The point? I am not going to apologize for being accountable for my own choices. I am not going to sugarcoat my own grief to make other people comfortable. I had a dream about my son 6 months after he passed away. It was the only dream I remember having of him and he was smiling and laughing and happy. I know he is in a good place and he is safe, therefore I have no reason to hate myself or anyone else. I have peace and if you don't like it stay off my blog and stay off my posts on FaceBook.

“The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.” -Leo F. Buscaglia