Even given my loss there was never a single doubt in my mind that I would plan another homebirth for any future children. I am sure that to some this may seem crazy but you have to understand the hospital was not a "safe" place for me to birth. I was bullied into an unnecessary c-section the first time, felt tricked into an induction ( which resulted in another section) the second time, and was treated with total hatred when my baby died. This was not a safe haven for me. This was a place where all things bad happened. I couldn't trust them, not with me or my baby's life.
I had a big fear though that no midwife would ever want to come near me because of what happened. I was so scared of not having the option to homebirth it really plagued me. My (ex) husband was not supportive all the way around. Our marriage was not good at all. It was plagued with domestic violence. I found out in September of 2006 that I was pregnant again. I wasn't sure how I felt because I had just lost my baby 11 months before. I also wasn't happy in the marriage and was really unsure if a baby was a good idea.
My midwife from my last birth pointed me in the direction of someone she had grown close to and knew would be a good fit for me. She also had full intentions of being there to support me throughout the pregnancy. I needed her there. I don't know if anyone but her and I understand the kind of relationship we have.
I called the new midwife and I was put to ease about my fears. The main thing we were going to do was keep a close watch on my diet and blood sugar and we both felt if I could keep that under control the birth would be fine. So I invested in a blood sugar monitor and kept my blood sugar controlled with diet.
The entire pregnancy I was a complete and total mess. When you lose a baby at birth it is not the same as a miscarriage. There is no time-frame in the pregnancy where one can feel a little bit of relief. I wasn't going to be able to breath until I held this baby in my arms alive. I really tried not to worry since I didn't have that same feeling of impending doom that I did with Abdul-Qadir. It was harder than I imagined though. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to have faith. I wanted to trust. And I didn't want to be afraid.
I will write my birth story of him in a separate blog, but I want to mention that I learned some more valuable lessons about birth and how connected our minds are to it's progress ( or lack thereof). Stay tuned for my next VBA2C birth story.