The Problem with Internet Medical Diagnosis

It has been a while since I blogged. I kind of reached a point of being too busy and too pregnant to write. I am writing this post in response to some of the conversations sparked by the article "The Most Scientific Birth Is Often the Least Technological Birth" that recently made it's way across the web. Now I knew when I began responding in the comments section that my homebirth loss had the potential to be brought into the conversation as a way to make me look like I am crazy. I have found this to be typical of someone when they have no other way to counter your argument besides going below the belt. It has brought up some interesting thoughts though.

First I want to put a few things into perspective here. I had a homebirth loss that I speak extensively about in this blog. For some reason because I have not blamed anyone or the type of birth (i.e. homebirth VBA2C) for his death, this has become an open invitation to the people on the internet to suddenly become doctors, coroners, therapists, and psychologists who have the ability to diagnose things via the internet. It's actually gotten to be quite laughable. If a person goes to yahoo questions and posts a medical question everyone thinks they are a whack for trying to get a medical diagnosis over the web instead of seeing a real live human doctor. Yet because I am not blaming my midwife or the type of birth I had for the death of my baby suddenly it is OK to diagnose not only the cause of my baby's death but my mental state as well. Hypocritical much?

The assumption that homebirth and/or my midwife was terrible being the cause of my baby's death is no different than if I posted a story about a family member complaining of pain in their right abdomen then they die and everyone is *sure* it was due to a ruptured appendix. If you were not present during my pregnancy or birth then how can you be so sure what happened? You have no first hand knowledge, you have nothing but your own misconceptions to go on.

The statement: " Poor woman. She is in denial." is something I have seen several times over the last few years when people hear about my loss. This was the attitude with or without details of his birth and based solely on the fact that I am not blaming anyone. It makes me wonder what it is that these "professional" wanna be psychologists think I am in denial about???? And why is it okay to tell *me* I am in denial because I am not blaming anyone yet those who do blame the entire world for their losses are not in denial? The fact remains that if you were not present at a birth to see how it was ( or wasn't) handled you are not in any position of authority to state what did or didn't go wrong nor are you in a position to diagnose anyone's mental state.

I knew when I started this blog I would be opening myself up to a lot of scrutiny as well as having salt poured into a never healing wound. But I did this because I know that I am not alone. There are other women like me. Other loss moms who are at peace and who are unmoved in how they view birth. Other mothers who may be too afraid to even tell their story because women are so vicious towards each other. We should be embracing every loss mother with loving arms. I have witnessed so many women being completely trashed and battered because of the way they deal with their loss.We are destroying each other with hate instead of building each other up with love.  It's really quite sad.


"United we stand, divided we fall. "-Aesop

I am NOT a psychic. I am just a (mammalian) Mama with instincts.

Where to begin? Ok Let me just explain first why I am posting this. I recently did an interview with the author of the book "In Search of the Perfect Birth" about my stillbirth and what I felt regarding my care received. You can go see the post here: Getting Qualified Care: Interview With a Stillbirth Mother and follow her because she has a lot of good information and a different perspective on many birth topics. Anyway, I did this interview and she posted it on her Facebook page. I also wrote a blog 2 days ago discussing some of my emotions that I am working through about my birth experiences.

Today on her page someone posted the following: "May I ask a question? If Michelle "knew" that baby was going to die, why didn't she try to prevent it? Just wondering."  I also had the unfortunate pleasure of dealing with another person regarding my recent blog post in regards to the same thing. So I want to point out a few things.......

1- I AM NOT PSYCHIC. While I was pregnant with him I was not 100% for certain that he would die. While pregnant I knew that things were different and I had a strong feeling that he wasn't staying with me. I had a feeling but I HOPED it was wrong. 

2- My decision to homebirth as well as my decisions made during pregnancy WERE influenced by this feeling. Let me explain further because apparently people are just not getting it. The first time I ever felt that he would not be with me long was while I was STILL UNDER THE CARE OF AN OB. I was threatened with permanent sterilization and my wishes to VBA2C were not going to be considered. I left my appointment literally thinking that I would be so devastated if I lost this baby and could never have another one.

This led to me doing a lot of thinking and a lot of praying. One of the things that was important for me was to be able to enjoy every single moment of my pregnancy stress free. I couldn't see myself going to this OB office and fighting them every single visit about my refusal for testing, my refusal for sterilization, and my refusal for a repeat c-section. It was going to be too much. I needed peace. This was also largely why I did not get bent out of shape when I went 2 weeks overdue. I loved every moment I got with him.

3- The other thing that is really pissing me off is the assumption that my midwife was terrible simply because my baby died. My midwife went above and beyond what I expected of her in regards to my care. She gave me exactly what I needed and wanted, which was peace, love, comfort, warmth, and security. I never ever felt that she endangered me or my baby. EVER. I cannot imagine having that birth/loss experience without her.  For some stranger on the internet to diagnose my baby's cause of death is ridiculous. Guess what! YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!! You have no idea what you are talking about. I WAS THERE. I am pretty sure that makes me more qualified to speak on my birth than anyone else.

4- I knew that me saying his birth was the only one I had no regrets over was going to anger people. So I need to explain again the reason why I have no regrets. It was the ONLY birth that I trusted my instincts. It was the ONLY birth that I did not let anyone or anything around me dictate how it would go. All of my other births I ignored my gut feelings and was hurt in one way or another so YES I have regrets about not listening to my instincts there. If I had listened to and trusted myself every time I would have avoided an unnecessary c-section, an unnecessary induction which led to a failed VBAC and a horrible hospital stay for my daughter, undue stress from CPS, another uncomfortable hospital birth which involved me being violated physically by hospital staff. 

Yeah hindsight is 20/20. There is not a single thing about my loss that I regret. I spent every second of my pregnancy grateful I still had time. I spent every moment of my labor grateful for that time. I remember his birth as beautiful and empowering not traumatic. I am not sure why this angers people so much. 

Reflections: The Consequences of Ignoring Your Instincts.

As I sit here pregnant again for the 6th time I am trying to come to terms with some of the things I didn't enjoy about my previous experiences. Now before anyone goes there let me make it clear I love all of my kids. Disliking the manners in which they got here is not the same thing. It's not even close. What do they say? Hindsight is always 20/20.

I made choices and decisions during each pregnancy and birth. I learned something new about myself with each pregnancy and birth. While I am not happy with some of the things that happened I am grateful for the road I have traveled. I have been able to meet some amazing women that I may have never met otherwise. I just want to make mention of that first and foremost. I also want to reiterate the main purpose of this blog, which was for me to have a place to express and deal with things before this birth rather than deal with them in labor.

Baby Boy #1

If you haven't read his birth story you can go here: First born Son (C-section)

My initial instinct when I got pregnant was to hire a midwife. Honestly I wasn't entirely sure what a midwife was or did. All that I knew was they were different and from what little I was exposed to they seemed to be more natural minded which is what I was. My only exposure to them was prior to becoming a Muslim. I met a very pregnant lady who had just moved here and we hung out with the same crowd. I had to give her a ride to see her midwife for a prenatal. The way she talked about it drew me towards that if I were to get pregnant.

I ignored my instinct and fell victim to "peer pressure" if you will. And went with the OB/GYN care. That was my first wrong turn.

I also was approached by a Doula at a natural foods store when I was probably about 5 months pregnant. I had never even heard of them before but she explained what they do. At the time I didn't see the importance. Looking back though I think that if I had a doula it could have made a huge difference. After being pressured for so long and having no one supporting my desire to avoid a c-section it was extremely hard to keep fighting that pressure while in labor. Especially as a first time mom. I think if I had just had one person tell me I could do it that would have been enough.

Baby Girl # 1

If you missed her birth story you can check it out here: First baby girl ( failed VBAC attempt so C-section #2)

My instincts were that I could give birth. I never believed what I had been told during my first birth. I was never convinced. In fact after how horrible my experience was knowing deep down it was probably an unnecessary c-section made me really angry. I was angry at myself and I was extrememly upset that I had no support at all from anyone.

There was never a doubt in my mind that I would be attempting a VBAC with this baby. At this time I was also connected to the internet and was doing a lot more research although I don't think I had found ICAN just yet.

I knew that I had a kidney stone. It felt like a kidney stone. I had other urinary symptoms that came with the pain that had me pretty sure that is what it was. I let them tell me it was something else. It snowballed from there. Once I stopped listening to my body and listened to them I made decisions based on that which led me to a failed VBAC attempt. Once again I felt like my own worst enemy.

Baby Boy # 2

If you have not read his story you can read it here:  Second baby boy (Homebirth VBA2C Birthstory Part 1 of 3 **Stillbirth**)

This may amaze some people and may even make some people angry. Don't worry I have become accustomed to this reaction on how I view this birth. Out of all of my births this is the only one that I have no regrets at all.

Why? You ask. Because it was the only time I followed my instincts completely. You see I initially set up to go to an OB again. I did however know that there was no way I would be having another c-section. At this point I had  more access to information and I felt there was no need for a repeat c-section. BUT,  I also felt very strongly that this baby was not staying with me long. So strongly that when being threatened with permanent sterilization I knew that this was not the place for me.  The only thing that went through my mind ( and at the time I was only 7-8 weeks along) was how crushed I would be if this baby died and then I could never have another.

I followed my instincts. When my path crossed with my midwife I knew in my heart she was the one and homebirth was the way I needed to do this.

His labor by far was the most amazing thing I have ever done. I cherish every single contraction, every single milestone, every single minute I had with him to the end. I knew he wouldn't stay but I did my best to provide a gentle birth for him.

Baby Boy #3

If you missed his birth story go here: Baby boy #3 ( Hospital VBA2C after transfer from homebirth)

I don't think I realized just how much a loss can affect you in your next pregnancy. Especially if it is a late term loss. And  for me a loss at birth. There was no moment of relief like " I made it to 13 weeks! whew" or "I can feel him move". There was no ease for me at all.

I had way too much fear and I let it control me instead of allowing my instincts to play their role. I knew he was fine. I  knew he wasn't too big. I knew I could give birth. I knew he would be born alive and healthy. What affected me was the fear of losing another baby. The fear of the unknown. The fear of what people would say if something bad happened this time.  Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear. There was so much of it that I literally had control over what my body would and would not do. I completely stopped my labor at full dilation because I needed to check out of the birth. The closer I got to pushing the more fear set in and the more I fought to keep him in.

My biggest regret is not addressing a lot of my feelings about my loss before getting pregnant again. While my decision at the time to transfer ( yes it was my decision and even though my midwife begged me not to go for fear I would get a c-section she never stopped me) was instinctual in that I knew what I needed in order to move forward, I am mad that I didn't listen to the instinct that was telling me all was well. Ignoring that one led me to a less than ideal birth situation in which I had to fight to avoid a c-section and had to deal with a bunch of other non-sense as well.

I just want to throw in here that I had found my voice by this birth so I had no problem standing up for myself in the hospital.

Baby Girl #2

So here we are at my most recent birth which you can read about here: Baby girl #2 ( Planned homebirth turned marathon 52 hour labor hospital VBA2C)

Ok so this one is still pretty fresh and I haven't written any of my regrets or grievances about her birth (outside of the birth rape ) thus far.

I ignored my instincts again. I knew the baby would be fine and the birth would be fine. I made a huge mistake though which affected my labor big time.  All throughout my pregnancy some friends of mine wanted to be at my birth. One was at my last birth and in all honesty in that birth I needed a lot of people around me. So initially the idea wasn't crazy or off the wall. 

As I got closer to my due date though I began to get really instinctual. I knew labor would start at night (which it did). And I began to feel like maybe no one needed to be around. I felt that this birth I needed to be alone. I didn't want anyone else around. I made the mistake of not voicing that to anyone. So once word spread that I was in labor they were there. Because these were people I cared about I had a really hard time expressing the need to be alone and asking that they leave. I did not feel comfortable. What did this lead to? A very long and drawn out stall of labor. I was stuck at 7 cm for well over 24 hours. How do I know it was having them there that affected me? Because my labor never progressed until they went home. Once they went home I gave birth 6 hours later.

Another instinct I ignored, knowing that I had progressed and birth was near. I had intended on not having another cervical check. I knew in my soul that my baby had descended and that I was getting closer to birth. Because I ignored that I became a victim of assault in the name of birth.( link above for that story)

Impending Birth of Baby boy #4

So here I am now having gotten all of that out and I am trying to remind myself to follow my instincts. I have been very in tune with my pregnancy this time. I did have an ultrasound due to the fact that I am a c-section mom and I know how serious placenta accreta is. Before getting this ultrasound though I knew this baby was a boy and I knew that I had an anterior placenta. Both things were confirmed at my ultrasound. 

I am writing this to help me remember to follow my instincts not my fears. My instincts have never failed me. My fears have.

"You Chose a birth experience over your baby!" Really???

I see this a lot on anti-homebirth boards and anti- natural childbirth boards. As I am pregnant right now with my sixth baby I am pretty easily agitated and this statement has gotten on my last nerve.

Let me explain a few things about myself personally. My first birth experience from labor to release out of the hospital was a complete and total nightmare. I was mistreated by nurses. I was horribly ill. And my son was also very sick. It was not a good experience for either of us.

My second birth experience was equally as bad if not worse. I was again mistreated by staff. I was ignored when I begged for them to check my daughter's blood type since my son had been so sick. I did everything in my power to avoid a NICU stay and blood transfusion for her ( you know because I care about my kids). I was ignored. Not only did she have to get the procedure done but she got a staph infection as well. Something completely avoidable. So my daughter spent the first 2 weeks of her life pumped with antibiotics. I spent nearly three weeks away from my other child who was still a baby himself.

So yeah by the time I got to the third baby I was dead set on not allowing a repeat of the first two events. Neither of which were good for MY BABIES. I planned a VBA2C not because of just myself but also because of my baby. I wanted to be able to move after birth. I wanted to be in a position to advocate for my baby. I wanted to be able to protect my baby from unnecessary procedures. There were a million reasons why I chose VBA2C other than for myself. I couldn't get my doctor to be supportive so I found someone who would. Yea going through 36 hours of pain without meds was totally all about me. Like getting pain meds the minute you are able is so not about you at all  it's about the baby right? Please spare me the lecture on choosing an experience over my child's well-being. If anything I sacrificed my own comfort to ensure that my baby had what they needed. Yes my third ended in a loss. Yes it was devastating. Yes I wish he was here. Yes it is painfully empty where he should be. But I do not have any regrets about my choices. I was at the birth. I was at every prenatal. I was there and what happened was not predictable by anyone.

My last two babies were planned homebirths in which I transferred for hospital VBA2Cs. Yea I totally chose myself over the baby there too. Being harassed and bullied and having CPS called on me is exactly what I wanted out of the experience. I transferred by choice because I knew it was better to. I was bullied the first time. And probably even worse the second time. So yes I totally thought about myself only as I fought back the pressure for a repeat c-section based solely on "recommendation" not because I actually needed it. This notion is so completely ridiculous. There are plenty of studies that show the baby benefits more from a vaginal birth than it does a c-section birth. There are also a lot of risk factors for the baby or any future babies the more c-sections I have so instead of taking the "easy" way out I chose to do the hard work of labor even if it took 52 hours. Yes I am totally selfish to endure the pains of childbirth so that my baby has a gentle natural entrance into the world.

I am also totally selfish in the sense that I would like to be alive to be there for my children and I know that c-sections have a much higher death rate than vaginal birth. Yup totally selfish for trying to choose the healthiest option for me so my kids aren't motherless.

Stop telling me I am selfish. Stop telling me I don't care about my children. Stop telling me I am choosing a birth experience over the life of my children. And if you want to go there with me then don't be offended when I bring up the stories of all the women who beg to be induced at 39 weeks because they are "tired of being pregnant" or the ones who don't even attempt to have a natural birth because *they* don't want to be in pain.  Your argument is weak. Find a new one because that one is growing old.

Assault in the name of birth: Why are we supposed to be ok with this?

The term "birth rape" has come up several times on internet blogs and message boards over the last few years. Apparently it is quite controversial since a lot of people often associate the word "rape" with sexual assault.  This topic came up on a debate board I used to frequent while I was pregnant with my 5th baby.  The discussion got pretty heated from both sides of the coin.

At the time I couldn't really say that I personally had been a victim of birth rape, however, I could empathize with women who felt that this had happened to them. My argument really was that if this is how a woman felt about her experience then it really isn't anyone's place to even question how she viewed her experience. I wasn't exactly the majority on that debate and many were either offended , mad, angry, well you get the idea.

As I said I never had been a victim of any type of assault in the name of birth ( or at least never felt that way)........until my 5th baby's birth. The next part of this blog is something I wrote on paper about 6 weeks postpartum after the first sexual encounter I had with my husband post pregnancy. It is somewhat raw and disjointed so bear with me on that:

My 5th baby was a planned homebirth VBA2C which transferred for a hospital birth after 30 hours of labor and no progression past 7 cm. My initial birth-story was written fairly soon after her birth and I had not yet processed the entirety of it all at that time.

When the nurse came to check me the last time before I gave birth she found that I was almost fully dilated with a small anterior cervical lip. She suggested that maybe I push through the lip on my next contraction and she would attempt to push the lip out of the way. I have had this done before because I seem to always have a cervical lip left so it wasn't a foreign idea.

Looking back on it now it seems really strange that she never removed her fingers from my vagina. It was pretty awkward at the time for me to sit there with this strangers hand in my vagina for 2-3 minutes. I want to mention that neither one of the times I had a midwife do this did they ever have their hand in there in between my contractions. I was in labor-land though and not really at a point mentally that I would have said anything actually.

A contraction begins and I begin to push as she attempts to push my cervix back and over the baby's head. I have to say that I have never in my life felt such excruciating pain. It literally felt like she was ripping my vagina and my cervix in half. And this was WITH an epidural. I begged her to stop. I asked her 4-5 times to please just stop. My midwife even stood up and said can you please stop and she did not cease.  I had an epidural and could not really move that well to get away from her but I do remember that I tried to scoot myself up further on the bed away from her. I was no longer even pushing. I had stopped the minute the pain began. The more I tried to move away the harder she pushed on my cervix. At the time I never  considered birth rape as a way to describe it. Maybe it was hormones or labor, or just the relief that she finally stopped.

It wasn't until my husband and I were intimate for the first time postpartum that it really hit me how violated I felt by her actions. The first sexual encounter after birth is sometimes a bit uncomfortable.  I had also had a small skid mark so I expected to have a little bit of discomfort the first time. What I wasn't prepared for was that the stinging feeling I had felt to take me back to my birth. My husband and I have always had a very healthy intimate relationship, however after it was over I could not stop associating the sensation I had during the act with the sensation of violation from my birth.

I felt sick to my stomach. I cried. He didn't know that I was crying but I was. Because now I understood how a woman can feel as though she were raped during her birth.I only hope that more awareness can be brought to the this topic of assault in the name of medicine.

This was a very raw account because I wrote this immediately after we were done while he took a shower. At this time I would like to add a few things.For one thing I have had my cervix pushed away before without pain meds and it NEVER hurt like it did this time. I want to say that I really feel as if this nurse did this to me on purpose because I was non-compliant. Meaning I refused all interventions outside of the epidural. If you haven't read the original birth story check it out now:  3rd VBA2C  The conversation that was had with "peter parker" ( the asshole doctor) was had in front of this nurse. She busied herself in the room for the sole reason of listening to what was said. It wasn't until after I gave birth that I really saw signs that she was not happy with me. She was almost angry that my birth was a successful VBA2C. She was very rude to my midwife who was trying to stop them from cutting the cord (as was my husband) and she was just plain mean all the way around. The only joy to be found in the room about my birth was myself, my husband, and my midwife. Everyone else seemed beyond pissed off that I once again gave birth the way I wanted to. Point being it seems that she did that to me as punishment for not being the good little patient and following all the rules.

I also want to just touch on the anatomy here. The organs used for birth are the exact same ones used for sex. For someone to tell me that I am not allowed to feel violated after telling someone to take their hand out of my vagina is just wrong. I told her no! I begged her to stop. She was HURTING me and she did not listen to my or my midwife's request to stop. I was assaulted. I was assaulted to the point of it affecting my sex life with my husband. When is it going to end? Why are women supposed to just put up with this kind of treatment because the person assaulting them has some medical title? Better yet why are we supposed to be silent about it?

I will not apologize!

I am not going to apologize for the way I feel about my own homebirth loss. It was my birth, my body, and my baby. I am a little annoyed at the way certain anti-homebirthers behave towards me in regards to how I have processed my loss. The consensus seems to be that you can only get sympathy if you bash the care provider that attended you, or you say how angry you are that your baby is gone. If you are on the opposite end of the spectrum and accept what happened forgive and move on with your life you are a freak.

I have been criticized, bashed, and blamed for my son's death for years. Let me explain a few things. Number one my instincts were not something I "conveniently" made up as a coping mechanism. I was so sure I wouldn't have a baby in the end that I didn't even buy any baby items until one week before he was born. And even then all I got was one pack of sleepers and one pack of diapers. I was always concerned about him. Always so terrified that one day my midwife would be unable to find his heartbeat. I never thought it would happen in labor. And when labor started I was hopeful the instinct I had the entire time was all in my head and just me being overly worried. Only the reality, that it was in fact my instincts and not unfounded worry, hit me when there were no heart-tones.Did I feel this way about any of my other children including my other planned homebirth babies? No I didn't and all of them are alive, healthy, and well cared for.

I also want to mention here once again that my religion and faith plays a huge role in the way I have embraced my loss. Everything in life that occurs is by the permission of Allah, The Most High. Accepting all that He gives me, the good and the bad, is a part of my faith and I will not apologize for being faithful!

The Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “When a person's child dies, Allah the Most High asks His angels, ‘Have you taken out the life of the child of My slave?’* They reply in the affirmative. He then asks, ‘Have you taken the fruit of his heart?’ They reply in the affirmative. Thereupon he asks, ‘What has My slave said?’ They say: ‘He has praised You and said: Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un (We belong to Allah and to Him we shall be returned).’ Allah says: ‘Build a house for My slave in Jannah (Paradise) and name it Bait-ul-Hamd (the House of Praise).’”

[Tirmidhi]

Secondly, I want to address my refusal for prenatal testing. The only things really that I did not have were an ultrasound and the glucose tolerance test. I was still checked for blood pressure, my fundal height was checked, my urine was checked for protein and sugar. I did not want to get an ultrasound because at that time and in that pregnancy I didn't feel there was a need for it. As for the glucose tolerance test, I did a lot of research on that test and felt like it was unreliable,  unnecessary, and not healthy for my body as a whole. I also had no history of gestational diabetes and no history of large babies. I took the GTT with both my older two and passed. Both of them were under 8 lbs. There was no indication that my blood sugar could have been an issue. I would also like to state that one of the reasons the GTT is unreliable is because the results are not reproducible. If you do the test at 25 weeks and then again at 30 weeks the results will not be the same. It is entirely possible for a woman to test negative when they initially do the testing and acquire an intolerance late in pregnancy which is what I believe to be the case with me. My baby was not large the entire pregnancy until the last week. In fact he measured 2 weeks behind the entire time until my last prenatal which was only days before labor began. Do I regret not taking it? Absolutely not. I made an educated choice to forego it and I had no previous risk factors for it.


(for the record: I have had 2 more babies since then and am currently pregnant again. I have and will decline the glucose tolerance test still. The only thing different is that I invested in a blood glucose monitor and monitored my sugar daily and adjusted my diet accordingly. If I have had gestational diabetes again I have kept it well controlled with diet.)

The point? I am not going to apologize for being accountable for my own choices. I am not going to sugarcoat my own grief to make other people comfortable. I had a dream about my son 6 months after he passed away. It was the only dream I remember having of him and he was smiling and laughing and happy. I know he is in a good place and he is safe, therefore I have no reason to hate myself or anyone else. I have peace and if you don't like it stay off my blog and stay off my posts on FaceBook.

“The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.” -Leo F. Buscaglia

My third VBA2C- another planned homebirth which transferred for a hospital VBA2C

** I wrote this initial birth story last year shortly after the birth. I will be writing another blog with some of the "follow-up" feelings that I have now that I have processed her birth a little bit more.**

October 20th

I had my 39 week appointment this day. I have a history of big babies and problems with blood sugar in the last part of pregnancy so I wanted to be checked for dilation and also to see if she could sweep my membranes. I had been having a lot of prodromal labor and had lost mucous plug for weeks. She checked my cervix and I was 3 cm dilated and 75% effaced. She went ahead and did the membrane sweep and we scheduled my 40 week appointment for Monday.

October 22nd

I had a feeling labor was really close. I didn’t want to really leave the house and I was having a lot of contractions but they were pretty mild and a bit erratic. I also feel like maybe my worry about the other kids getting out of school was keeping the contractions at bay. Not to mention this was my baby Abdul-Qadir’s birth/death date.  Once everyone went to sleep the contractions got a little stronger but they were not close together at all. I finally went to bed between 11:30 pm and 12:00am.

October 23rd

2:30 am—I was awakened by a really strong contraction. I got up and used the bathroom and then I had another one that was just as strong. They felt different so I decided maybe I should time them. I timed them for about an hour and they were about 5-7 minutes apart. I had already gone through this two weekends in a row and the contractions always stopped after a couple of hours. This time though they seemed to be getting more intense. By 4:30 am I was convinced this was real labor and my husband got up and then I called my midwife.  We started setting up the birth tub and filling it with water. I ate some breakfast and waited for my midwife.

6:30 am— My midwife arrived and I was getting more excited realizing this was it! She checked vitals and my cervix to see where we were at. I was 4 cm still 75% effaced but definitely in labor.  I labored for a while the contractions were really intense and ranging from 5-10 minutes apart. They kept fluctuating in the timing. I ate as much as I could and as often as I could stand. I was having a lot of bloody show and I was hopeful this would be a fast labor. Boy was I in for it….

Throughout the day I kept switching between the tub and dry land because progression seemed to be really slow by 5pm or so I was only 6-7 cm. The contractions were really intense though and I was hoping maybe once the sun set and it was darker that would help things move on. My contractions did start coming closer together and I had some hellacious back labor. It was awful.

8:30 pm—I was checked again still no change. Still 7 cm. Ugh I was dying from the back labor so one of my midwives said that she was going to check some of her literature and see if she could get a better vision of baby’s position to see if we could get her on my cervix better. She said she thought maybe the baby was acynclitic or posterior.  So we went to the spinning babies’ site to check some techniques to do while in labor to get baby moved.

Most of what the site suggested I was already doing like changing positions and just constantly moving. One of the tricks though was to get on your hands and knees with your butt in the air and head on the floor. They all suggested I try to get some rest and for at least 3 contractions assume that position. I laid down on my bed and did just that and after the third one I just could not take that anymore and laying down was horrible. I begged to get back in the birth tub because I could relax more in between contractions and I was sooooo tired. I was able to get more rest and the contractions seemed to be laying off of my back a little. The next time her heart rate was checked my Midwife confirmed that she was no longer posterior. YAY!  The incline positioning worked. Since I knew this I continued to lay on my sides in the tub between contractions because I did not want her to go back to posterior. I labored all night long. I can’t recall if I got any more cervical checks that night or not. I was very tired though and my contractions were close enough that I never really could get a decent amount of rest.

October 24th

8:30 am—After laboring all night I thought for sure something would be different. I was checked and still was 7 cm, baby was still high, cervix was only slightly more effaced. I reached one of my first meltdown moments. I was so sad. This was my fifth baby and third vaginal birth. I could not understand what my body was (or was not) doing.  So my birth supporters rallied around of course and reminded me that  I can do this, that I have  done this and to trust my body. That statement for whatever reason brought a wave of emotion over my first VBA2C in which my baby passed away. I started crying and admitted that I was having a hard time getting to that point because I felt like the last time I completely trusted the process I left the experience with a mixture of emotions ranging from triumphant and accomplished to broken hearted and empty handed. I apparently still felt a sense of responsibility for what happened to him. My amazing birth support team though (namely Khadijah) reminded me that things like life and death are out of my control. She reminded me also that my body will do what it is supposed to regardless of what my mind wants.  I was able to pull myself together and labored some more in my husband’s arms. I requested to get back in the tub. I think I labored there for another hour before I came to the conclusion that I was reaching the point of exhaustion and I wasn’t sure if staying home was the best thing at this point. I really needed some rest. I thought to myself that there are two scenarios that could explain my lack of progression, either I was just too tired and my body knew this or there really was something else going on that was keeping me from progressing.  At that moment my midwife came to me and I expressed my feelings to her.  I had been in labor for 33 hours running on about 3 hours or less of sleep. I was exhausted. I made the decision to transfer to the hospital then rather than wait until the situation was emergent. We wrote up a birth plan before we left to make sure that our wishes were granted regarding the baby.

10:30 am—We arrived at the hospital where we had to go to triage and be assessed and fill out paperwork. My midwife transferred with us so she could give them my history and the labor history as well. My contractions were about 5-7 minutes apart still and I was still having a lot of bloody show and tons of pelvic pressure.  I was still 7 cm about 85-90% effaced and baby was -2 station. While sitting in tirage after I had a contraction I felt a trickle down my leg…. Everyone looked at me and asked if my water just broke I said um I dunno it’s never broken on its own lol. I touched what was on my leg and it was oily feeling. They did the ph test and it was positive so my water was broken.

I was asked by the OB what interventions did I want to avoid and she seemed to not have an issue with my desire to VBA2C. I told her no Pitocin. She mentioned that she wanted to do an ultrasound because if the baby was too big they would recommend a c-section. I told her no way no how and my midwife chimed in and said that I am aware of how inaccurate they are for sizing at this stage in pregnancy and I do not need one. I was asked to sign consent for a c-section and I was hesitant to do so and even stated that I don’t mind signing it so long as me signing does not give them the right to wheel me to the OR unnecessarily.  She assured me that was not going to happen that this was only for an emergent c-section.

So we get to our room and I am waiting for the bloodwork to come through and for the first IV bag to go in so that I can get a mild epidural. While in there the same OB comes in again and states that her boss ( she was a resident) is recommending a c-section and goes on and on about the risks etc. I stated that I am well aware of the slight risk of uterine rupture and that I am also aware of the risks associated with a repeat c-section and therefore my decision is still to VBA2C.  She says ok and she will let him know.

I get the epidural and it was definitely mild. To the point that I could easily move my legs and could still feel every contraction and had to breathe through them all. I am glad it was just strong enough to take the edge off but not so strong that I felt zombied out of my birth.

I was ready to get some rest so I slept for a few hours and my contractions spaced out during that time.  I can’t remember if the resident came back again but I know her boss did and he had the same conversation about the recommendation being a c-section and blah blah blah. I told him again I am aware of the risks and have made my decision and I am not changing my mind so long as my baby is happy and I am ok I will ride it out.

I got a few more hours of sleep before the 7 pm shift came on.  My nurse happened to be 38 weeks pregnant and attempting a VBAC herself. This is important because I feel like she may have been one of the reasons my birth went like it did. You know with all of my births I feel that there has always been a reason things went the way they did, even if it went against my ideal scenario or my ideal birth.

My midwife and I felt that it would be best if the nurse was the only one to check my cervix. I liked this for a few reasons. One because there were 3 residents on the floor which meant they are still learning and I wasn’t too trusting of them. Two it was better to stay consistent so that if any change was to occur she would have something to compare. So she went ahead and checked me then. I was still 7 cm but my cervix was almost completely effaced now and baby was -1 station. So there was some progress even if it was slight. As a side note I ate throughout my entire labor. Even in the hospital my birth team brought me food and whenever I got hungry I ate it. I decided to sit upright and labor so baby could be more on my cervix. I labored that way for a few hours and got really tired again.  At that point I just listened to my body and decided I needed to lay back down. After resting for a little while a new resident (jackass) doctor came in the room. He was the senior resident on the floor. As soon as he walked in the room I knew it was going to be some BS. He walked in with a very cocky attitude which immediately turned me off. He has been from that point on referred to as Peter Parker because that is who he looked like.

Ok so the first thing he brings up is that I have had 2 c-sections and there is this risk of uterine rupture. I stated that I am aware of the risks but I have also had 2 successful VBA2Cs with no uterine complications and that alone lowers my personal risk factor. He then went on and on about how there are studies that show that a prolonged labor increases the uterine rupture risk. I stated that was all well and good but my last labor was a 4-day event and my uterus held up just fine thank you. And I also told him that I am also very well aware of the risks of repeat c-sections and so long as me and my baby are ok I will not be consenting to a c-section. Then in the same freaking breath this idiot states that since my labor has stalled out for so long that at this point their recommendation is to begin some Pitocin to increase the strength and intensity of the contractions. My response was um… hello I have two scars on my uterus. Pitocin will most assuredly increase my risk of uterine rupture so I will not consent to that either. I have never had a "textbook" labor and I will not up my risk factor simply because my body is not going fast enough for you.

Needless to say he didn’t exactly like my response so he tried a new tactic. My water was broken so he spoke about the increased risk of infection which I am informed enough to know that it is cervical checks that increase the risk and that I was limiting the number of those. My temperature was normal, the baby was not showing any signs of distress in the least bit. At that point it was a non-issue. He then goes on to suggest that I get an internal fetal monitor so that *he* can better gauge my contractions because he just isn’t sure how strong they are and that this will also give him a better idea if a uterine rupture was to occur. So we just talked about the increased risk of infection from my water being broken and yet you expect me to allow you to put a foreign object in my baby’s head so that there is a direct line from the hospital and its germs straight to my baby?? Um yeah, no thanks. I declined the offer. I stated again I don’t labor according to his textbook and so long as my baby is ok and I feel ok I will continue to labor. ( Not to mention the monitors were showing contractions and heart-rate perfectly. There was absolutely NO need for the internal monitor.)

He again did not like my response. My midwife was not in the room when he first came in so she came back in the middle of the conversation. He again stated that “we like to see you dilate a cm an hour and you have been at 7 cm for several hours now”. I told him for the third time that I am not going to labor according to his rules or his books. I know how my body labors and I have NEVER had a “textbook” labor and refuse to be pushed into interventions based on that alone. His response was well I tell you what if you haven’t made any progress by 5:30 am we will go ahead and do your c-section then. (need to mention here that his shift ended at 7:00 am so that time limit was based solely on that) I said no absolutely not. I am not consenting to a c-section because my body is not following your rules. I am not going to be put on a timeline. And at this point my midwife stepped in and said that I had already had this conversation several times and it is now bordering on harassment. He really took offense to that and said he was not harassing me, but he was in my opinion. He said he just wasn’t clear on when I would consent to a c-section. She and I both said when it’s emergent. I asked to please relay this message to the rest of the staff because I was starting to get really annoyed at having the same conversation over and over again. His boss was the same one on the floor that was there when I got to the hospital. He made one more remark about not knowing what my contractions are doing and my response was every contraction does something. He finally left me alone and I told the nurse (the one trying to VBAC who was there for this entire conversation) that I did not want him anywhere near me when the time of birth came. We never saw him again.

I have to mention here that the manner in which he approached me made me feel like he conversated with the other residents along with his boss (who had already made it clear his recommendation was a c-section) and that he probably made a bet with the other residents that he could convince me to either a-] consent to a c-section or b-] convince me to consent to interventions that are notorious for increasing the need for a c-section, such as Pitocin and internal fetal monitoring. I say this because for each thing he tried to throw at me I threw something back at him and his face resembled that of a chess player who thought they had you and then you took their chess piece.  He came at me with a very car salesmen like approach and I can easily see how a woman not educated or a woman that has any doubts in her ability to birth could fall into the trap which so easily leads to c-sections.

Back to the birth novel though, so I am sure that caused some stalling of labor because I was pretty agitated. My contractions spaced out a bit and I had to take a moment to vent about him being such a jackass.

I labored sitting up for a while again and it was starting to get late I was hoping for some type of change.

October 25th

12:00 am—It was sometime between midnight and 1 am I requested to be checked again to see if there was any change at all. My epidural also seemed to not be very strong as I was feeling a lot of intense pressure. She checked me and I was still 7 cm only now I had a swollen lip of cervix in the front. UGH.  I know that I have this happen because both my last labors I had a cervical lip. I was just so frustrated that no change had been made yet. The baby was perfect on the monitors though and other than being annoyed a little I was fine too so I labored more.

Khadijah and her daughter had to leave so they left and my husband and midwife laid down to get some sleep. The lights were turned down and I was there laboring alone, which honestly I think I needed. I laid on one side for about an hour and a half and the contractions were coming closer together and I was feeling so much pressure in my pelvis and rectal area. I swear it felt like she was coming out of my butt LOL. I switched to the other side and labored there for another hour or so and I had one contraction that made me feel like a mack truck hit my pelvis. I think this may have been when she finally engaged. The pressure was so intense. I woke my husband up around 4 am because I just needed him. I should have known I was in the transitional high stage after I said something really crazy. I remember during one of the contractions I was visualizing people surfing at the beach. Don’t ask I have no idea it was just the picture that was in my head. When the contraction was over though I made the comment “Or maybe we could get her a skateboard”. LMAO I swear I still have no idea and my only explanation was I was delirious from lack of sleep and high on transition hormones LMAO. At this point I remember feeling like being on my side was getting to be too uncomfortable. My husband decided to wake up my midwife and helped me get into an upright position. It was nearing 5:00 am at this point. Sitting up must have made the epidural stop working on one side because I could feel the contractions  more intensely on one half of my uterus. So they got the nurse and she came in and turned the epidural up some and had me lay back down on my side.

At this point my midwife had “the conversation” with me. She really just wanted me to be realistic and asked me how long was I really willing to labor at 7 cm before considering a c-section. I had not been checked yet and really had no intention of being checked at that point. Enter meltdown number two. The thought of another c-section brought me to tears. My midwife apologized profusely and said she didn’t mean to make me cry she just wanted me to think about that as a possibility since we had been at it for so long.  I was really upset and just did not want to go thru another c-section recovery and I knew that if I had a third one I would never have another baby again. And that had me feeling heartbroken because I do want at least one more baby. But it was a real thing that I had to consider.  I had been hoping for a change from 7 cm for 30 hours. I couldn’t get my hopes up that something was different although the pressure was different and I did feel more transitional.

So I made the decision that I would let the nurse check me one more time and that based on her findings I would consider my next step. If there was still no change I would not agree to a c-section before shift change.  I also requested that I not be separated from my baby if I did have one. I also requested that I still get checked once more before wheeling me to the OR.

5:30 am—My husband stepped out of the room for a little while. He was also pretty emotional and did not want me to have a c-section. He actually left the room to go pray that we could do this naturally. While he was gone the nurse checked me. And HOORAY! I was 9 cm with just a slight anterior cervical lip and the baby was at 0 station. She said next contraction she wanted me to push through the lip. I did try and was ok with it because I have done it twice before. My cervix always has a lip. Well let me just that hurt like HELL. That was probably worse than the labor itself. I thought I was going to die and I begged her to just please stop.

So at this point the plan was for me to labor down and see if we could get rid of the rest of that lip of cervix. I had one contraction and my body wanted to push I knew I had the lip though so I changed my breathing to avoid pushing. I allowed myself to bear down a little just enough to ease the feeling. I had two more contractions that were mild. I could tell my body had switched to pushing contractions. I had another contraction in which I felt a strong urge to push but I really did not want my cervix to swell. I mentioned that the urge to push was getting stronger. My midwife told me to bear down a little if it made me feel better.

6:15 am—My husband needed to go make morning prayer and mentioned that he was going to go do that and I told him not to go because I needed to push. The next contraction came and I had to push and did and my midwife was there and said yup baby is coming and the baby begin to crown. My husband went and got the nurse who came in and looked and saw the baby crowning so she called the docs. My next contraction I pushed again and seems like the head must have come out with that one. I am not sure all I remember is the ring of fire and the feeling that I was giving birth out of my butt LOL. I pushed again and She was born at 6:25 am. I had a mild skid mark that didn’t require any stitches. She had passed meconium but was fine all they had to do was suction her out real good. She didn’t need any oxygen or anything. They brought her right over to me and we did skin to skin contact for a good hour and a half before they weighed her. I nursed her for about an hour. She was then weighed and measured.  She was 8 lbs. 11 oz. and 19 in. long.

So a few things I would like to mention about my birth novel.  Every birth that I have had has had some kind of lesson in it along with some type of healing in it. The lesson this time for me was one of patience and also being able to share with other women how powerful we are in birth. Our bodies are amazing things. My body knew that I was tired and this kept my labor stalled out as well and each time I took a nap in the hospital my contractions would space out.  VBAC labors do have a tendency to be a little bit longer as well as be all over the place contraction wise. When we think of our bodies and why this may be it may help to deal better with a stalled out labor. Our body naturally will do what it can to protect an injury. The scar on the uterus is essentially an injury. My body would stall out and dilate slowly as a means to not over extend my uterus, and this is truly what increases the risk of rupture when the uterus gets over extended and is not able to properly recover. I say this for those attempting or who plan to attempt a VBAC in the future. Trust your body. Listen to your body.  Do not let “textbooks” dictate how your labor will go. The only women whose labors are textbook were the ones who inspired the textbook. More often than not your body will do exactly what it needs to do in order to birth your baby. Never be in a rush. Remember slow and steady wins the race.

“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” – Laotzu