My Homebirth Loss: The beginning

*** Before I begin I would like to preface this post with a few things. First off, I have not shared the details of this birth publicly since he was born. This was largely due to the most insensitive and hurtful comments that I have ever seen a person make online regarding my loss without them even knowing the details. Please bear in mind that I lost my son and no one carries that burden of loss more than I do. If you comment with anything that is offensive, mean, or otherwise insensitive it will get deleted. Secondly I am writing this birth story in 3 separate blogs, the pregnancy and labor, the birth, and the hospital trasnfer. I am doing this because 1- there is just too much information to put it all in one post and 2-I want to separate my emotions from those three cycles of this process. The labor was amazingly beautiful, the birth was somewhat scary, and the hospital transfer was nothing short of infuriating.****

The Pregnancy:

From the moment I got a positive pregnancy test I knew this was going to be a different experience. I cannot explain it in a way to make anyone understand but I never felt like this baby was meant to stay with me. I made my first appointment with the OB office to confirm pregnancy and get dates ( my period had just returned and was irregular). From the minute I saw him on the ultrasound I had this sinking feeling I would never hear him cry, never see him smile, never hear him laugh. With this heavy on my mind hearing the doctor tell me she wanted to tie my tubes really bothered me. All I could think about is if this baby dies I would never be able to have another one and I would be devastated. She clearly wasn't supportive of my desire to VBA2C either, so when I got home I posted a message on the ICAN-online (http://ican-online.org/) email list asking for help. I needed more options.

The ladies there were very helpful and threw out the idea of a birth center as well as homebirth. I contacted the birth center a few hours from me but was pretty sure they would not take me as a client. I was also given the name of a traveling midwife that was living in my state and told to contact her. After researching more on homebirth and the statistics of homebirth I decided to contact her and just see what happened. I told her my history and my desire to VBA2C and asked her would she be willing to attend my birth. She responded enthusiastically that even though she had retired she felt that fate had brought her and I together. The feeling was mutual especially when I realized the house she purchased to retire in was 2 streets away from me.   Dr. Wayne Dyer says "In  mathematics, two angles that are said to coincide fit together perfectly. The word coincidence does not describe luck or mistakes. It describes that which fits together perfectly." She was perfect for the journey in every way.

What I needed this time was to be able to gestate in peace without all the scary "OMG this is wrong with you!" ideas. I did not want any tests done, no ultrasounds, no nothing. It was important for me to embrace the fact that pregnancy and birth and a humans ability to do this was natural and normal. The only thing that was checked was blood pressure, urine for sugar, heartbeat and fetal growth. My entire journey was nothing but submitting myself to the will of Allah and believing in my ability to birth my baby which for me started with belief that my body could appropriately take care of the growing baby inside of me without unnecessary tests.

This baby was so unlike my older two. There was something about him that was so peaceful and so calm. I worried much of my pregnancy that when my midwife came for check ups that the heartbeat would not be found. The intuition that he wasn't going to stay was just that strong. I remember thinking many times that if he doesn't stay with me I want to at least give birth to him if nothing else. I wanted to have that at least. But every prenatal he had the most beautiful heartbeat ever. He sounded perfect. He was perfect. I never shared my feelings with anyone until the aftermath. Sometimes I feel like it was a Mercy from Allah to prepare me for the loss. I want to make it clear that this feeling I had was there long before I chose to homebirth.

The entire pregnancy my baby measured behind by a couple of weeks. When my "due date" came we had a prenatal and he measured at 38 weeks. I went 2 weeks past my due date and at my 42 week prenatal she measured him and he measured 2 weeks ahead. At this point she stated that I may want to think about doing some natural inductions as the baby was getting big and she wanted me to have the chance to birth.

In many ways I felt a little defeated by that idea. It was extremely important to me to not have any intervention especially an induction. I needed to know that I wasn't broken that my body did know how to labor on it's own. In some ways I think mentally I held on to him. I knew where he was he was alive and I was afraid to let that go. I spent that night thinking and asking Allah to make it possible to avoid any type of interventions. I agreed to allow her to check my cervix in the morning (which was something else I wanted to avoid)and then we would discuss where to go from there. As fate would have it after an excellent nights sleep I woke up on Jummah Friday at Fajr( morning prayer for the non-Muslims reading) October 21st 2005. It was also the last ten days of Ramadan which is a very significant spiritual time for Muslims.

Labor:

I wasn't actually sure I was really in labor until after a couple of hours of contractions. I cannot express to you the amount of relief I felt that labor started on it's own and that intervention wasn't needed. I called the midwife and let her know and a few hours later she was there. We started to fill the birth tub and I just followed my body's cues. I stood up during contractions and moved my hips back and forth. The contractions were pretty regular at 5 minutes apart. I was surrounded by peace and love. I was able to move the way I wanted. No machines tying me to a bed, no one there that I didn't know or didn't care about me as a person. My midwife was like my family. I loved her, enjoyed her company, and trusted her.

After 12 hours of labor or so the contractions were getting a bit more intense. I decided to take a hot shower because I wanted to be in the water but I did not want to get in the birth tub to early and delay labor progress. The shower was comforting and helped me relax a little. At this point I was sitting on the birthing ball for contractions. Shortly after my midwife wanted to get some rest so she asked if it was alright to check me so that she at least knew where I was. I hesitated a lot about that cervical check because I was labelled a failure to progress in my previous labors. I agreed to the check and knew that it would likely be the only one I got. I was about 5-6 cm baby was really low and my cervix was pretty thin. In a lot of ways I felt triumphant. My body DID work. I went into labor on my own and now I have dilated halfway there all on my own. Trusting in nothing but Allah and the perfection of His creation.

The midwife left and I spent a few hours with my then sister-in-law and my doula. I would kind of hang onto one of them while the other applied pressure to my back. Something about my relationship with my midwife is just indescribable. It wasn't long before I just needed her presence there with me. It wasn't that I felt like birth was soon coming. It was that her presence in my labor was overwhelmingly comforting. I refer to her often as my "birth" mother. The type of love and comfort she gave me was unlike anything I had ever experience during a pregnancy. She wasn't just my midwife, my care provider but she was my friend.

It wasn't too much longer after she arrived that I decided to get into the birthing tub. The warm water was exactly what I needed to make labor more manageable. It was probably early in the morning on October 22nd 2005. I honestly had no idea what time it was because the clock was not in my view. And honestly I think it was better that way. I didn't need to be on a time constraint or feel pressured to hurry up and have a baby.

As I entered the transitional stage of labor I began to feel really emotional. I still had that nagging feeling about the heartbeat not being found and got nervous every time she wanted to check his heart-rate, yet every time it was a beautiful healthy sound. I remember sitting on the side of the tub being overcome with silent tears. I don't even know why I was crying other than transition releases a certain type of hormone that may have caused me to be overcome with emotion. Or maybe it was that I was really doing it. I was laboring on my own. I had started to feel a lot of pelvic pressure. I could tell baby was moving lower. I wasn't broken after all. At that moment with tears streaming down my face my midwife came to me and got eye to eye with tears in her eyes and told me that she knew exactly where I was at and that she was with me 100%.

At some point I began to feel really pushy and I am not sure if it was suggested that I get a cervical check or if I asked for one. Either way I got out of the tub in order for her to listen to the baby and check my cervix. The baby sounded great and I was dilated 9.5 cm. I had a small cervical lip so she suggested I wait before trying to push. I got back in the tub and she came to me and said that she didn't want me to be mad at her and she knew that I did not want any interventions but she thought breaking my bag of waters may help get rid of my cervix faster. I was very hesitant to agree and argued even. In the end she made a valid point that breaking my water at 9.5 cm was not the same thing as my water being broken at 1 cm. I was close to giving birth. This was not going to make me a failure to progress. I finally agreed since by this point I was ready to give birth and knew the cervix needed to be moved away.

So I got back out of the tub, water bag was broken, and heart rate was checked again. Again everything was perfect. Everything was going smoothly. My labor had been smooth sailing consistent and progressive. The baby had been perfect the entire time. I still felt like I couldn't wait to birth him so that the feeling I had carried for 10 months would be laid to rest as an unfounded fear. Eventually I got to the point of "ok I have to push I can't fight this feeling any longer." At that point I got out of the tub in order to give birth. I did not want to be in the water for the birth. I needed to be out of the water instinctually.

The rest of this birth story will be continued in the next blog so stay tuned.....

Part Two: The Birth , and Part Three: The Aftermath

Failed VBAC and My New Lack of Confidence in the Medical Establishment

My first born was only 3 months old and I think I had only just begun to pick myself up from my surgical birth. I had light spotting but figured my body was just off since I was exclusively breastfeeding.  My  (now ex-) husband was convinced I was pregnant so I took a test to prove him wrong. OMG there was a faint line and I was shaking. I told him to go buy a digital test because I wasn't sure what I was seeing was real. He did and it said "pregnant". I am not going to lie, I was devastated. Our marriage was even worse now that a baby was in the mix and now we are going to add a new one.(Note:  I want to say before I go further that while my initial reaction was not positive I could not be happier than I am right now to have my daughter in my life.)

I had grown to like one particular OB at the office where I was and thought she was pretty pro-VBAC. She had had a vaginal birth and then a c-section so she understood the difference and seemed pretty supportive of my desire to VBAC. They were going to monitor me for pre-eclampsia real closely since that was an issue in my previous pregnancy.

This pregnancy seemed to go a lot smoother than the last one and I had no issues of any kind. Late in  my 7th month, my (ex)husband was arrested on drug charges and assault on an officer charges. I was shocked. I couldn't believe that he would do such a thing and was pretty blind to his bad habits in all honesty. This particular thing had me extremely stressed out because I was not working, had a baby at home already and a baby on the way. How was I supposed to take care of all of us? This stress eventually took it's toll on my body.

At 38 weeks I started having severe pains in my upper left side. I went to L/D and they diagnosed me with a urinary tract infection, gave me a shot of antibiotics and sent me home. I felt better for a day or so and then the pain was so bad I could hardly move. I was admitted to the hospital and given percosets for the pain and waited for an ultrasound which they were using to see if maybe I had a kidney stone. They said they couldn't see one but I may still have one. It's hard to tell 9 months pregnant since organs get pushed around a bit. But they did say my spleen was enlarged. (Now everyone is in panic mode) The pro-VBAC doc came to see me and her  opinion was that I was getting pre-eclampsia and that I should let her induce me because I have a better chance at VBAC with her. ( her words)

I stupidly agreed to the induction partly because I knew she was probably right, she was my only hope for VBAC. I was only 1 cm dilated and her idea of inducing me was to break my water and see what happened and then if nothing happened put me on a low dose of pitocin. I ended up getting an epidural pretty early in my labor because my side was hurting so bad. I just wanted some relief from that alone.

So she was pretty consistent about checking my cervix on the regular, like every 2 hours or so. I dilated to 5 cm baby was low but I started getting a fever. Not only did I start having a fever but my daughter did not like the pitocin at all and when it was on her heart-rate took a while to recover after contractions. Once it was apparent that I had an infection and she was not tolerating labor anymore the decision was made to have an emergency c-section.

Overall the surgery was less uncomfortable than my first time. It also didn't take anywhere near as long to complete. While in there I got a classic "we saved you" line from the doctor when she said "You're uterus is really thin." and " the cord was wrapped around her neck a few times". Congratulations! We saved you and your baby!  I really wasn't sure how I felt about those two comments at the time I just wanted to get to my baby.  She weighed 7 lbs 12 oz. and the pro-VBAC doctor basically told me I just wasn't  "made" to give birth.

I repeatedly requested to see her and hold her while in recovery so that I could nurse her. Especially after they told me she would not take a bottle of sugar water ( why they were giving it to her I have no idea). Well she doesn't want that she wants mommy milk uggggh. It was still a good 4 hours before I was able to see her and so this made it about 10pm. My mother had to go home and so I was there alone.

Now my first baby had ABO incompatibility which caused him to have severe jaundice and anemia. He had to get an exchange blood transfusion twice and spent almost a week in the hospital after he was born. I knew this was something I had to watch for in my new baby girl and was told by my pediatrician's office to request an immediate blood test after the baby was born. The minute I saw her I knew she had it because she was already yellowing in the face and eyes. I asked the nurse to call my pediatrician to request a blood test and bilirubin level. She acted like I was off my rocker and refused to do so. She said they would just watch her and probably check her in the morning.

The thing with this kind of jaundice is the quicker you get them under lights and the more you nurse them the less likely a blood transfusion would be necessary. I was not "allowed" to keep her in my room since I had a c-section and I was alone. I called my nurse two hours after my first feeding with my daughter and told her I want my baby so I can feed her. This woman had the nerve to tell me that she was sleeping and that I should get some sleep too. OMG if I could have gotten out of bed myself I would have. Babies with jaundice are always way more sleepy than a baby without. I repeatedly all night long requested to have my baby brought to me so that I could nurse her. I did not see my baby again until 9 am the next morning. By 10am her bilirubin was finally checked and was I think about 18 or so. At this point they were admitting her into the NICU for an exchange transfusion "just to be safe".

Well she was no where near as sick as my oldest had gotten and was an awesome nurser and peed and pooped and recovered from the jaundice quite well. Only problem? She got a staph infection from the procedure. FANTASTIC. So now I have to leave my almost one year old for another 2 weeks so I can stay in the hospital while my baby girl gets IV antibiotics for a totally preventable problem.

Adding to this I am now processing BOTH c-section births that I never thought I would have. I began to question my first one being necessary because I was dilated the same amount the second time as I "supposedly" was the  first time. Only the second time my vagina was not swollen, I did not have any pressure in my pelvis like the first time, and the c-section took a lot less time to do than the first time. What the heck really happened? Not to mention I am really not buying this whole narrow pelvis  bit. My mother birthed 8+ lb babies, there was no reason I couldn't do it in my mind. Then I thought about the induction and how I had read VBACs really shouldn't even be induced to begin with and wondered if the induction itself caused the "emergent" c-section.

Thus my confidence in the medical community diminished significantly. Why do they never listen to the mother? Why is it that we can never be "right" about something when it comes to either our bodies or our children? This time I wasn't broken. This time I was pissed off.