Although I have been one to always write about how I feel, I have never taken the time to start a blog. I am doing this somewhat as a form of therapy as I have a lot of things that I need to resolve to prepare myself to give birth once again.
A little bit about my birthing history, my first baby was born at 37 weeks via c-section after an induction. I was labelled as a failure to progress after less than 24 hours in induced labor. I was told my pelvis was too narrow and my baby would be huge and is probably never going to fit. He was born weighing a whopping 6 lbs 11 oz.
My second baby was an attempt at VBAC(vaginal birth after c-section) which also ended up being an emergency c-section after I got an infection and my daughter began to show signs of distress. I was told once again that my pelvis was just not made to give birth. She weighed 7 lbs 12 oz.
My third baby I was determined to avoid a c-section. From the minute I found out I was pregnant i just knew that this baby wasn't going to stay with me, so when the OB said "Not only am I giving you a third c-section but I am tying your tubes while I am in there" a wave of terror came over me. I knew I wanted more children. I knew if this baby didn't make it I would be devastated to never be able to have another. So I looked for other options. I found one that seemed to almost fall into my lap perfectly. I chose to have a homebirth VBA2C(vaginal birth after 2 c-sections). While the labor was amazingly beautiful and nothing short of spiritual, my intuition was right. The baby didn't stay with me. ( I will make a blog just for that later on.) I will say though that he weighed 11 lbs born vaginally. (no that is not a typo)
My 4th baby I planned a homebirth again despite losing my last baby. I knew that I would never get the kind of birth I wanted in a hospital. I apparently didn't do a good job of preparing my mind for labor and the fear of "what if" was so terribly strong that I fought labor every inch of the way. When it was apparent my body wanted to birth and my mind wouldn't let me, I made the decision to transfer for a hospital birth with an epidural. I refused consent for a c-section and fought with everything in me to make sure I was able to have a VBA2C birth. Everything went well and I gave birth via VBA2C to a 9 lb baby boy.
My last baby I again planned another homebirth. I thought that I was over the fear of what ifs and never had any intention of transferring. That is until I stalled out at 7 cm for who knows how long. I was in labor for 33 hours before transferring to the hospital for an epidural due to exhaustion. I labored there another 29 hours before giving birth. I had to once again fight off the pressure to have a repeat c-section. She was born complication free via VBA2C weighing 8 lbs 11 oz.
Which leads me to where I am now, pregnant again. I want a homebirth again. I need to have a peaceful homebirth without the dramatic ending. But I have a lot of things that I need to get out and deal with so that I can get back to that place of trusting birth, trusting myself, and trusting the Creator.